Tell Me What I Would Do, Not What You Would Do

Loneliness is a good thing if it doesn’t overwhelm you. It’s bad when you want to talk and doubts build up. To put into words what we need and what we long for, to want to talk about our silliest whims and not have anyone by our side, hurts. At the end we call someone because neither the couch, the blanket or the ice can be used as a lifeline. We tried them, but they didn’t resolve any of our questions or doubts.

So we look at our phones, search our contact list and think about who to call, who to turn to. For some people, we know that they would not answer us. They wouldn’t have time to have a cup of coffee with us, or they’d plan tomorrow while half-listening to us. This is not much better than loneliness and it may hurt even more.

As other names appear, so do the answers. In most cases we can already imagine the response we will receive before we send the message or express our doubts.

I am talking to you so that you will listen to me

I am telling you about it so that you will offer me warmth so that you can understand that I am going through a difficult time. So that you know what makes me so angry, how it is about my courage, which makes me cry in lonely corners and hide under the covers on sunny days. I don’t need you to tell me that you warned me. I know that you smart person would never have put yourself in this situation.

But you do not live with my fears, my demons, my hopes and my wishes, they are personal and non-transferable, and therefore you cannot make you the commander of my life. That’s me, even if I sometimes deny my life and want to throw it out the window. Don’t think I’m an idiot. Even if I have a crazy temper, I don’t play with my feelings. With my problems. I’m serious.

I would never have done it if I didn’t think it was best for me. Even if everything went wrong and now makes me cry.

You don’t have to scold me, I already have my own conscience that can’t seem to shut up. Not even when I give myself up to the worst torture. It screams louder than my wish to ignore it. Persistent, stubborn, tireless. How obvious it’s mine

Don’t laugh because it’s not funny. If you think this is how you make the pain more bearable, then you are wrong. The only thing you can do with it is make me feel even more insignificant, and I already feel so small.

“Empathy resides in the ability to be there without expressing one’s opinion.”

Marshall Rosenberg

I don’t wanna know what you would do

I also don’t want to know what you would do if you were me. At least not before I feel, before I am sure that you have understood me, that you slipped not only into my shoes, but also into my pants, my shirt and my hat. Before I sense that you are ready to face the difficulties they pose. Then maybe you can help me assess certain options, but without going back to your previous point of view.

Also, don’t think I’ll listen to you just because I was wrong in the past and you were right. That doesn’t give your criteria and judgments any more value than mine at the moment. Don’t forget that I take responsibility for what happened or will happen. I make independent decisions in the past and present. And yes, you may have to witness me make another mistake, but … didn’t I do the same for you?

Hug me. It seems like I have to say everything out loud. Forgive me. But you can still hug me. It will calm me down a bit. I’ll leave you alone for a while, because you’ve already spent a lot of time carrying my burdens. I will let you go back to your original point of view. Tell me what worries you, what you long for, or if you might be hungry. And if so: there is still some ice cream left, do you want some?