Part Of My Memories Until It Doesn’t Hurt Anymore

Sorry. But it wasn’t you. It wasn’t you who inspired me. My today and my tomorrow. My pleasure in laughing. My shine. My light.

It wasn’t you who got the best out of my dark depths. It wasn’t you who took me under the dark canopy of the sky every night to stroke the stars. It just wasn’t you, or didn’t want to be.

And while I picture this starry sky, I slowly fall asleep. Get out of my bed, get out with you, get out of me, get out of my memories. Tomorrow is a new day. The bed is empty. Too large. Too much space. And the saddest thing is that it has always been like this, no matter if you were with me at night or not.

I make an effort and get up so as not to see this empty and dark hole any more. A smell of coffee flows through the kitchen. It smells good, he comforts me. I try to remember I don’t even have a clear memory. Images pile up in a stormy rhythm in my head. A kiss on my neck Hurry. I’m starting to remember …

It wasn’t you who called me princess in the morning and made me smile all the yawning. Who will trust me. Who will say to me forever “I am with you”? Who will give me a thousand sunrises with his smile? It wasn’t me who asked you to. You weren’t my bet. My desire to challenge myself. My fight. Maybe it wasn’t me who wanted to fight …

I’m sorry.

I put sugar in the coffee. I don’t know why I’m doing it. I actually drink it black. Maybe I need a break today. It takes a lot of strength to remember. I stir and wait until I don’t get burned so much. I think and close my eyes. I don’t remember heat, I remember cold.

It wasn’t you who made my body shake and my bed shake every night. The dark circles didn’t matter. Or the tiredness. It wasn’t you, pushing me outside on a rainy day to load me with smells and feelings.

Hate me. Insult me. That was probably the most emotional thing that you escaped during this time. Something with eruptive emotional charge. Something that got that cold heart moving in you. You let this relationship freeze.

We were two, and not just one. That was probably our fault. It is not the right time to look back and wonder who was to blame. And I’m sorry, but it wasn’t you.

A sip of coffee. Spicy. Not so bitter anymore . I enjoy and let my memories drift. It tastes like nothing. It tastes like disappointment, disenchantment, and routine. Going for a walk together just so as not to be alone. To you today and tomorrow too. Suddenly occurring circumstances, unrecognized clues. And those are the worst. The clues that we don’t want to recognize as such.

A vortex of noise. People, glasses. More people, more glasses. Until the body reaches its limits and until we fall asleep without thinking. Without thinking of you or me, without thinking of a we. Common hangovers just aren’t that bad. Maybe that’s why we lasted so long. Who knows.

There’s not much coffee left, just a big sip or two small ones. And that’s what it’s all about. At the end of the day, it’s about choices and I don’t know what to do with the coffee. I never knew I could throw the cup on the floor and it would break into a thousand pieces. I would put away the broken pieces and spilled coffee later.

Why weren’t you my joy, my joy. My favorite corner. You weren’t my joy when I came home and wanted to escape the world for a few hours. I’m sorry. Making a decision has never been easy. I’ll have another coffee tomorrow. And I’ll keep this brief moment for you Until the memories don’t hurt anymore

You, keep your memories, because there is no more space in my head.

We have always known that deep down inside.

I was neither me nor you were you.