Passive Violence: Deep Wounds That Look Superficial

Passive violence – that sounds almost paradoxical. When we think of violence, we think of actions, blows, words, so that “passive violence” seems to encompass two incompatible ideas. But in everyday life we ​​meet people who manage to make us feel attacked without them raising their voices or using hurtful words. The victim of passive violence feels a vague type of pain that is difficult to pinpoint. 

“There are only two forces in the world, the sword and the spirit. In the long run, the sword will always be defeated by the spirit. “

Napoleon Bonaparte

Passive violence or passive-aggressive attitudes are the result of the inability to use finesse to resolve a conflict with authority or a challenging situation. This results in a feeling of helplessness or defenselessness, which is reflected in resignation. But this resignation is full of anger and frustration that will ultimately be expressed.

Passive violence in everyday situations

Passive violence is common in young children. They make a great scene, and if you don’t give in to them, they throw themselves to the ground to harm themselves. Or they “accidentally” break a vase.

Teenagers also give obvious examples of passive violence. Their father or mother tells them to do something specific and they respond with a phrase like, “Yes, right away!” And then they don’t do it.

Finally, we encounter passive violence in the adult world as well. For example, when we talk to someone and they pretend they didn’t hear us. Or when they give you a scathing criticism disguised as advice or suggestion. Or when they confront you with two evils and then kindly ask you to make up your mind. And you are sure to know more examples!

Passive violence and authority

In general, passive violence arises in situations that involve a power dynamic. It is precisely this power that prevents or limits aggressive feelings from being expressed. Because of this, people then turn to a feigned reverence that is nothing more than passive violence.

Authority figures know that those below them in the hierarchy do not have full freedom to respond to their behavior. For example, if your boss asks you to work an extra hour each day to help others. Or if your partner tells you that they are helping you better with a certain matter because you couldn’t do it on your own.

Passive violence is exercised when one instigates feelings of guilt by denying, degrading, or taking advantage of the other, even if it happens indirectly. Sometimes it is very difficult to identify this type of violence because it is usually masked by calm speech and good manners. It is rarely used consciously.

The effect of passive violence in social circles

Many behaviors of passive violence are passed on and nurtured in our society. For example, if you are walking on the street and a homeless person asks you for money – you may or may not be able to help. And then the homeless person says, “Have a nice day.” In this situation, he may really want you to have a bad day because you just didn’t help him. And that’s exactly the message he’s getting you through between the lines.

Explicitly or passively violent behavior elicits similar responses. The stressed boss only forces a few of his employees to stay longer. An authoritarian teacher encourages inappropriate behavior, whether wanted it or not. The mother who controls too much causes problems for her children. A politician who buys votes gives people an excuse not to pay their taxes.

The worst thing about passive violence is that it creates confusion because it’s not explicit and obvious. If you want to punish your teen for disobeying you, they ‘ll say, “I told you I would!”   If you tell your boss that their assessment is unfair, they will likely give you a talk about discipline and efficiency. And your partner will likely feel like a victim or honestly surprised when you tell them that they treat you like you are a fool.

We have to learn to put an end to these manipulative actions. We must deal with conflict in such a way that it does not provoke or fuel this type of violence. That doesn’t mean you should say everything that comes on your mind without filtering it. It’s just a matter of improving our communication skills and communicating clearly and calmly what we mean.