Russ Harris: How A Relationship Can Work Well

Russ Harris is one of a group of psychotherapists who use the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) approach. Harris comes from the UK and is one of the best known ACT specialists. He conducts individual and couple therapies when emotions are boiling and the situations are challenging. In today’s article we want to tell you more about his theories about how a relationship can work well.

Russ Harris is the author of one of the best-selling self-help books called Get Out of the Lucky Trap . But he has written several other very successful books, including ACT of Love . This article will focus on the key ideas about relationships and conflict management using the principles of the ACT.

Russ Harris on the challenges of a romantic partnership

There are always ups and downs in relationships. One day you feel incredibly good with your partner and the next day everything seems terrible. The biggest challenge is usually dealing with each other’s emotions.

Emotions are inherently changeable. At the beginning of a relationship, your emotions are mostly focused on caring for and holding your partner. However, once the relationship is established, the intensity with which you feel these pleasant emotions decreases somewhat.

In summary, relationships can create certain uncomfortable emotions that may come as a surprise to you when you first experience them. Many of us grew up with the idea that our partner will meet all of our needs and expectations.

The fact that he does not do so can certainly be frightening. This vicious cycle causes the two of you to focus more on what one partner is doing for the other rather than thinking about what positive he or she is doing to the relationship.

This then leads you to focus more on the needs that are not being met, rather than the expectations that your partner is actually meeting.

In addition, many couples are also negatively affected by some myths still perpetuated by society. These are false beliefs that affect people’s expectations about their partners. In addition, these can be specific role models that supposedly every person should fulfill and also ideas about what you should get from a relationship. Below are some of the main myths on the subject.

The perfect partner

There is a popular idea that if you look for it long enough, you will find your “ideal” partner. That person who meets all of your needs at their own expense. This message is spread everywhere: in books, romantic films, and even fairy tales. Once you internalize this idea, you will have difficulty having a healthy relationship.

Beliefs about how a relationship should be and how your partner should behave very often clash with reality. Therefore, such unrealistic expectations can actually have the opposite effect on your relationship and expose all of your partner’s mistakes.

Soul mate

Another very popular idea is that we were not born whole and our “other half” is out there somewhere waiting to be found. How many love songs languish and complain: “Without you I am nothing”?

However, the problem with this idea is that it transfers responsibility for one’s own needs and happiness to another person. It also leads some people to believe that a relationship is about making up for the partner’s mistakes. But even this idea is very counterproductive if you want to have a good and functioning relationship.

Instead of nurturing the relationship, ideas like this can make you become dependent and fearful of being alone. None of this is a foundation for a solid partnership.

Love is simple and it lasts forever

At the beginning of a relationship, it’s always easy to keep a relationship going. But over time, the differences between you and your partner become apparent. In modern parlance, this is referred to as “incompatibilities”.

But this idea of ​​being incompatible with the partner leads us back to the concept of the “perfect partner”. If you feel like you are incompatible with your partner, it will become very difficult to be happy and to get involved.

If you want a relationship to last, you need understanding, complicity, and intimacy. You also need to be willing to compromise. Accepting your differences is vital, otherwise they could become a weapon to use against your partner in times of crisis.

Russ Harris: A good relationship requires psychological flexibility

Russ Harris uses the term “psychological flexibility” when talking about romantic relationships. This term refers to the required openness with which you should meet your partner in everyday life. In addition, it is also about living in the present moment so that you can nurture your partnership effectively and sustainably.

Greater psychological flexibility will help you with many of the conflicts that can arise with your partner. Here are some examples:

• Recognize and accept individual differences between the two of you.
• You can better distance yourself from the differences that are most likely to cause conflict. In this way, you can facilitate joint decision-making in the event of problems due to certain incompatibilities.

• In addition, you can adjust your expectations of your partner and the relationship, especially those notions of the “perfect partner” that in most cases lead to arguments.
• You can also focus on the experiences you are having in the present moment. You prioritize the interactions you have in the here and now. Stop thinking about things that have already happened and don’t worry unduly about the future
• With psychological flexibility, you can also reduce the effects of negative thoughts and emotions that stand in the way of strengthening your bond with your partner.

Who is Russ Harris’ book for?

Below are some of the potential readers that Russ Harris believes can benefit from his book:

• Couples who want to enrich their relationship.
• People who have difficulty establishing relationships and who want to learn from the exercises in the book.
• Those who are not in a relationship right now but want to be better prepared for the future.
• Professional psychologists looking for new ideas for couples therapy sessions.

The book contains a summary of the different areas of application of acceptance and commitment therapy and gives you tips on how you can integrate them into your relationship. At the end of each chapter, Russ Harris describes a series of activities for couples and therapists who want to put theory into practice.

But no book is a panacea. Russ Harris writes on theoretical concepts and techniques that can be used to improve romantic relationships. Some of these strategies may help you while others won’t work for you. It all depends very much on the quality of your relationship and what phase you are in with your partner.

Hence, Harris sees a breakup as just another process in relationships. This is another reason why we recommend that any type of intervention should be supervised and accompanied by an experienced specialist.